The Last Night
by Kittlin Lovegood
Summary: Lena Indges didn't have much life left in her, her eyes didn't sparkle anymore. If magic couldn't save her, could James Potter?
1. Wishful Thinking

**A Prologue of sorts; Wishful Thinking**

Lena's POV

There were many things I loved about Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but I loved the castle at night, bathed in moonlight, the most. I loved how the light flickered from the candles and bounced against the ancient stone walls. I also loved how that if you looked out the right window you could see the entire night sky. I didn't feel quite so alone when the stars were twinkling down at me. I could forget everything, and simply be.

I could see that beautiful view from the fifth year, Gryfindors girls dormitory. My dorm mates were all asleep by this point, it had to be well past midnight. Ashlynn Thomas snored the night away to my right, while Rose Weasley (one of the two friends I had) slept quietly to my left. Jana and Jacinda Corner were in a deep and soundless slumber, their breathing in sync, as always.

And me, Callena, (Lena for short) Indges, I sat on my bed staring out the window. It wasn't that I didn't want to sleep, in fact I wished I could. Actually I wished for a lot of things, I wished Ashlynn would let Rose try the new spell (that she invented) to stop her awful snoring. Not that I would be able to sleep anyway, but it wouldn't hurt. I also wished for bigger things, a time turner would be nice, but I doubt I could ever bring myself to use one, but it would be nice to be given the chance.

The moonlight hit my pale arms, and the scars that I hid so well during the day, leered up at me. The only time I every exposed my arms was at night, or in the bath. I've wondered many times what my friends would think, if they ever knew. Rose would quickly look away, never asking, but wondering, always wondering. Scorpius Malfoy, my potions partner since first year and my other best friend, would have a slight different reaction. He would demand to know how, and then why, I doubt I could explain, ever. It would hurt them, and I wouldn't hurt my closest friends. Scorp wouldn't have understood, Rose wouldn't have either, but Scorp most of all. He had protected me from so much, he wouldn't be able to cope with knowing that he couldn't protect me from myself.

I couldn't really justify it to myself most of the time, hence more cuts and ultimately more scars. I felt control, control over myself, control over my pain, and control over _my_ life. It was the only time I felt anything really. I had to do it, I needed to know I was still human. I was lucky enough that Hogwarts was almost always chilly. Even in the summer, right as term ended. I could hide my arms easily with my school robes, and on weekends I wore long sleeved muggle shirts. No one questioned, no one asked. They never touched me, so they never saw me flinch away. I was lucky, no one knew.

I sighed heavily as I slid off my red and gold bed. I wasn't brave, I wasn't courageous. I was loyal, through and though, yes, but still I shouldn't have been placed in Gryffindor. I was just a scared and lonely girl, with very little will left to live, I simply didn't have much fight left in me. I was fifteen years old, and I didn't matter. I'd been told all my life that I wasn't worthy, and it was true. A worthy girl wouldn't have to inflict pain upon herself just to feel, a worthy girl would tell her friends, would tell her teachers. A worthy girl would have been proud to be in Gryffindor A worthy girl wouldn't have been so ashamed. I wasn't proud of myself, not in the least, a true Gryffindor wouldn't have done it in the first place, she wouldn't have given herself a chance to feel ashamed.

I wiped the tears from my face, I hadn't even realized I was crying, yet they kept flowing.

I couldn't do anything right, not even stop myself from crying. I should have been a bloody Hufflepuff. Actually I mused to myself, I had been so surprised I hadn't been. The Sorting Hat must be loosing it, how old was it again? It had whispered that I was brave, that I could do it. It was bloody wrong, now wasn't it?

I paced the floor beside my bed, trying to calm my thoughts, it was no use. I sat on the bed, and scooted back to my favourite spot by the window. I stared up at the stars, thinking thoughtless thoughts. I hadn't had a bad life, not really. So what if my father hadn't wanted me, and my mum had left? There had been people far worse off than I could have ever been. Harry Potter for one, everyone he loved had died, and yet he still defeated the darkest wizard of all time. I knew it wasn't fair to compare myself to the great hero, but I almost wanted to hate myself even more. When I thought like that, I knew that there was no way I could ever justify myself, and no way no one would ever understand. I jumped as I heard Ashlynn let out a partially loud snore. "Fuck." I muttered to myself, as I picked absent mindedly at a fresh scab, I pressed my bedsheets against my arm, I felt sorry for a moment over the house-elf who had to clean my sheets, at least I didn't have to tell them, like they would ask if they even noticed. No one ever asked, and I was beginning to think that no one ever would.

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**A/N: If you've read this before, I'm sorry. It's an updated version! I promise. I went back and read what I'd written months ago, and I was disgusted with myself, so it's being revised. Anyway, I loath it when authors demand reviews and hold chapters over readers heads, until they get "x" amount of numbers. I'll just ask you to review, I'll still update even if you don't. Happy days. **


	2. Knockdowns

**Blue Eyes and Knock Downs **

James Potter's P.O.V

I didn't think I could handle this much longer. No, I didn't think, I _knew. _I was exhausted, and I was bloody well sure that I was in quite a homicidal mood. I also knew that I shouldn't be taking advantage of my prefect badge, but I needed to take my frustration out somewhere, or on someone.

Ah, a cruel smile broke out across my face. I had spotted the perfect target. Stragglers. First years by the looks of them. They would do.

"What do you think you're doing?!" I didn't even wait for a reply. The poor first years didn't know what hit them. Good. "TEN POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF!" Shit. What for? Ah, shit, I didn't have a reason. I couldn't bloody well say it was because my girlfriend, Vivian Valley, had been found in the broom cupboard with Liam Wood, just minutes before. No, that wouldn't be a good enough reason at all.

"James Sirius Potter!" Shit times ten, fantastic. That voice was familiar, too familiar. I turned to explain myself to my cousin Rose Weasley. The first years then took the chance to run. I didn't blame them though, I knew I was being an arsehole.

"Yes Rosie?" I asked trying unsuccessfully to keep the anger from my voice. My cousin raised her thin eyebrows at me, although her soft brown eyes were gentle. That was always a good sign. Maybe I wouldn't need another reason to go drown myself in the lake. Okay, I was being a bit melodramatic, it wasn't that bad. And I was already feeling awful for screaming at the innocent Hufflepuffs. I vowed to find them later, and give them back their points, I'd think of a reason later.

"What do you think you're doing? Yelling at those poor first years. James, it's only the second day of term and you're already taking advantage of your power." Rose frowned at me. Her voice was as soft and gentle as her eyes, you'd never think that only a moment before she had been screaming at me in a classic Aunt Hermione tone.

"Red, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry." Her eyes flared at the use of her childhood nickname, although she tried to hide a smile. Her words truly made him feel guilty, one year younger and only in her fifth year, Rose already had a better idea of how a prefect should act. Way to make me feel worse, if that were possible.

Rose held her hand up. "No, I know what you're doing. You're taking your anger out on everyone but the one person you should! She isn't good for you James, and this isn't something I can ignore any longer." I sighed, it had spread that fast? Hogwarts wasn't exactly a small school, but word practically flooed from one student to another, faster than dad moved whenever Aunt Luna mentioned nargles, whatever the hell those were. I attempted to ignore my cousin's words, even if I knew they were true. It was time to end it with her, and for good this time.

"I know, Rose. I know. I never act like this with girls. I'm James Potter for crying out loud, girls mope over _me_!" My voice was light and playful, but even I could hear the hurt in it. My favourite cousin smiled up at me as I gave her a one armed hug.

"Always so sure of himself, that James Potter!" She mocked me with a laugh, if she had heard the hurt in my voice, she had chosen to ignore it. _For now. _

Wewalked to our common room together, separating at the entrance to the boys and girls dorm. Rose looked at me with her soft, knowing eyes. "James, I know it's difficult, but please, try to control yourself, next time. One day you're really going to hurt someone with your words. And the awful thing is, you won't even mean it."

I made my way down to the great all, by myself. Although not by choice, I had asked my best friend, and _other_ favourite cousin to go, but Fred Weasley II had much more important things to do. Like snogging his newest conquest. His word, not mine. Honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised if Viv had been snogging him instead.. No, Fred would never do that to me, unless we had been broken up for at least a year anyway.

I could have used his support though, I knew I'd need it, I was going to _officially_ break up with Vivian. I had assumed that everyone would already know we were over, especially her and for good this time. But apparently when you catch your girlfriend in a broom closet with another bloke it didn't matter, you weren't over unless you said the that you were done. Well, that's what my little sister Lily had told me. Bloody women. I needed to owl dad, maybe the Saviour of the Wizarding World would know what to do with a broken heart, or rather a bruised ego. I hadn't really loved Viv, I realized when I thought about it. Our relationship had been convenient, it had been safe, so my heart couldn't be broken. Viv and I had dated since midway through our fourth year. The pretty Ravenclaw had been eyeing me since second year, but I hadn't really thought about _girls _as_girls_ then.

Viv was pretty though, I'd readily admit it, the prettiest in their year. With her long blonde hair, and bright brown eyes, she was gorgeous. (The only girl in the school prettier was my cousin Dom, and she didn't count, we were related.) It had made sense that we dated then, well not to be arrogant, but I was James Potter. First son of Harry Potter, Quidditch chaser and prefect.

"_Maybe we should stay together..."_ I quickly shook my head roughly as if to dispel that thought from my mind. She cheated on me, I thought bitterly, and it's not like it had been the first time.

"I don't even care that much for her." I muttered to myself. She was the prettiest, yes, but she wasn't the nicest. If I had learned anything from my family it was that looks didn't matter. She could be part Veela for all I cared, (consequently Dom _was_ part Veela. Aunt Fleur was too.) Actions spoke louder than words, and far louder than beauty.

I couldn't help but feel a sense of forbidding though, I knew it wouldn't end well, and I knew that I would be the one made into prat in this whole situation.

"Ugh, I'm definitely owling dad later." I really had to stop muttering to myself.

I was far too preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didn't notice another student in my path, well I didn't notice until we were both on the ground.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?" I asked just as a look of pain washed over the girl I had knocked into. I looked a little more closely at her, she was a Gryffindor, that much I knew, well her red and gold tie was a dead give away. She seemed oddly familiar, I just wished I could remember her name. You'd think we were in the same house that I would at least know her name, but I could barely keep track of those in my own year.

"It's okay really. I'm fine James." ." Her voice was soft and musical, and I found myself wanting to hear her say my name again. Bleeding hell. She knew my name, well, everyone did, but that wasn't my point.

"Er, well let me help you up at least, um..I'm sorry but what's your name again?" My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"My name is Callena. Indges." That name didn't suit her, it didn't suit the music in her voice. I spoke quickly, and without thinking.

"Well ,that doesn't suit you at all." What was wrong with me? At least she had the decency to blush with me this time.

"Well, my friends call me Lena." That suited her far better. I offered a smile and noticed we still were we had collied with one another, on the ground, thank Merlin there wasn't a crowd. _Yet. _I bounced to my feet, and offered her my hand this time, my mother had tried to teach me manners. She took it with a grateful look on her face.

All thoughts of Viv were thrown from my mind as I looked at Lena. Well, as I looked down at Lena, I should say. She was short, Merlin, she had to be at least a foot shorter than me, and I wasn't all that tall.. Her blonde hair was everywhere at once, wild and I found myself liking it, her blue eyes were bright, but they lacked a certain sparkle.

"So Lena," I said politely before I left her standing in the hall by herself. "Would you like to walk the rest of the way with me? I'm going to the Great Hall." See. My mother _had _taught me manners, not that I used them often, but that was besides the point.

"Um, no. I'm sorry. I just ate." Ah well. I said goodbye, not quite disappointed, but not really happy either. I must have been stuck somewhere in between. We said our goodbyes, and I walked the rest of the way to dinner thinking about the food I would soon eat, not the breakup scene I would have to endure. Yes, I was quite sure I was over that beautiful hag now.

" YOU CANNOT DUMP ME. NO. I WON'T ALLOW IT. NO ONE DUMPS ME." Viv was screaming at me. How had I ever thought she was pretty, I mused. She was a hag, and not even a beautiful, as I had previously thought. Why had I wasted two perfectly good years of my life on her? Two years I unfortunately wouldn't get back. We had taken our "discussion" to the Entrance Hall. Her idea actually, I'm sure she somehow thought that she'd gain sympathy, now she seemed more than willing to escape most of the stares. She couldn't have anyone think poorly of her.

"Viv, I think I just did, and I'm afraid there isn't anything you can do about. Why don't you try going for a snog with Liam, I'm sure he could make you feel loads better." And with that I had left, well I had tried to leave. I attempted it and then she had started screaming about ME cheating, and how I would pay in the long run. Ha, not like I hadn't had the chance, I had, had plenty of offers.

I rolled my eyes as I turned to face her once more. I was a few steps above her, on the staircase.

"Vivian, doll. I've had more offers than you could _ever _imagine. Your best friend Ari was one of many. But I _had _more respect for you, and I have more respect for myself."

And with that I left, really this time, I left with the final word, and I had left her with all the anger I had felt this morning, she wasn't worth it. I could care less about Vivian Valerie Valley. (What were her parents thinking?!) My ego was still a bit bruised, but my thoughts were going elsewhere. No not to Fred who undoubtedly shagging his new lady in the broom closet, nor was it of the poor Hufflepuff's I still needed to reward, I didn't even think about the letter I kept telling myself I'd write to dad. No, my thoughts were on headed towards the true beauty of this school.

A tiny blonde headed girl, who had a musical voice, and a name that had suited her, and only her. I smiled the entire way to my dormitory, and I smiled as I fell asleep thinking of all the ways that I, James Potter II, could make her eyes sparkle with life.

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**A/N: Cheesy, I know. But you now know of James! (I love my James...) Hope you liked it, happy days! **


	3. Perfect Performance

**Perfect Performance **

Lena's POV

You know the moment when you first wake up, but you're still not really awake? You're caught somewhere between dreams and reality? Where nothing really matters, you're not quite sure who you are, and everything is just perfect. I live for those precious few seconds.

I opened my eyes slowly, letting my face soak up the sunshine drifting in through the dormitory window. Another day, I could do this, I could fake my way through one more day. I rubbed my eyes with my right hand, my left arm was still throbbing and I knew from past experiences it would be too stiff to move just yet.

'Lena Beana, honey, get up!" Only Rose could be polite and demanding at the same time.

"Rosie Posie," I mumbled sleepily. "Why?" One simple word could mean so many different things. I knew Rose, our brilliant Rose wouldn't understand the pain and the anguish behind my question. I knew she wouldn't because I hid it from my voice, I hid it with every word I spoke.

She just rolled her eyes, classic Rose. "Well breakfast started and hour ago, we have an hour left to eat, and classes start today." She gave a squeal of delight as I hastily turned a groan into a yawn. She caught on.

"Don't even, Lena. This is our O.W.L's year. Even J&J left already." Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. Jana and Jacinda Corner, otherwise know as J&J, were notorious for spending hours upon hours getting ready. Their work always paid off though, they'd had boys falling after them since 2nd year.

"Get out of bed and get dressed or I'm dragging you out of bed, and doing it for you." She threatened.

"Okay, Okay, I'm up!" I jumped out of my bed, grabbed a pair of robes off a pile from my trunk and ran to the loo. I never undressed in the dorm, my secret would be out then, my scars would have been visible, they would have been seen. I piled my hair on top of my head, and looked in the mirror. My blue eyes looked dull and lifeless, and the dark circles underneath nearly consumed my face. I must have been a great actress if no one ever asked. I sighed, as I left the bathroom, they didn't notice because they didn't care, and they didn't care because they never noticed.

I walked with Rose to the Great Hall, where we then went our separate ways. I almost always ate breakfast with Scorpius. I sat down at the Slytherin table to wait, and like always I was promptly ignored. After the Second War there were more friendships outside of the house you'd been sorted into, so it wasn't mandatory to sit with your house anymore. Take Albus Potter for example. He sat at the Gryffindor table with Rose and the rest of his family most of the time, and his brother. _James. _

I blushed as I thought about him. He'd knocked me flat on my arse yesterday, but I couldn't help my thoughts to be haunted by his crooked smile. I shook my head sadly, I wouldn't be another one of those girls, fawning on him, loving him for something his father had done. Besides, I told myself, you're not worthy of him, he was just being polite. He'd never want you, he'd be disgusted by the very thought of you. I could almost hear my fathers voice telling me all those things. I didn't notice the tears falling down my face as I chastised myself, and I didn't notice my best friend sliding onto the bench beside me.

"Lena, are you okay, did something happen?"

It took almost five minutes of silence for me to look up. Scorpius was staring at me intently, gently he took his thumb to whip away the last of my tears. I gave him a small smile and looked into his beautiful steel gray eyes, which held nothing but concern. I still remembered the first time I'd ever seen those eyes, I had been terrified. I looked away, remembering;

_It was chilly, and I had kept my arms covered. Father hadn't seen me off at the station, not as if I had expected any different from him, but still I hoped. There was a difference between expecting and hoping, at least that's what I told myself. Professor Longbottom and fetched me, he'd also been the one to take me and get my things. He was my only friend. Unfortunately he wouldn't be able to keep me company on the train ride to Hogwarts. _

_He had however sunk down to one knee, to tell me he would see me at school, and that he was sure I'd make loads of friends on the train. His voice was so gentle, so kind, I had wanted to cry. I wasn't so sure about that, but I knew better than to talk back to an adult. Even if he was nothing like father. I simply nodded my head and let go of his hand. _

_I held back my tears as I looked for somewhere to sit. I searched and searched but I couldn't find an empty compartment, I finally settled on a barley deserted one with a little blonde boy. _

"_I'm sorry, but can I sit here?" My voice cracked, how I even managed to speak, I'll never know. _

_He nodded his head, his cold gray eyes looking me up and down, I was nervous, afraid of rejection, but then a smile broke out on his face. "My name is Scorpius Malfoy, care to be my friend?" _

Over the years he had become my best friend, even though we'd been sorted into two different houses, he still remained my first and truest friend. In that moment I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him about my dad, and my mum. I wanted to lift my sleeves and have him yell and scream. I wanted to cry on his shoulder. I wanted him to know, I wanted him to share this burden with me. I loved him too much though, to ever hurt him. He was too sweet for his own good, the brother I was never given, the _best _friend in the entire world. Which is why I turned back, plastered a smile on my face and lied to him.

"Sorry, just feeling a bit off today. Nothing happened, I promise."

No one said life would be fair, no one said life would be easy, but life shouldn't have to hurt this much. I knew that much, it was supposed to be this beautiful journey, with bumps along the way. I looked down at my bare arms, taking them in. Life shouldn't be this disappointing. I traced a partially nasty looking scar on my right arm. It had been done that summer, still fresh enough to look red and painful.

I sat on my gold and red bed, in my dormitory all alone. By choice. Everyone else was down at dinner, the perfect time. I'd told Rose I wasn't feeling well, and has asked if she'd tell Scorp for me. I smiled in spite of my heartache, anything to get them talking, he'd been in love with her since 3rd year, and she'd started to blush whenever he was mentioned just last term. I looked out the window at the night sky, lost in my thoughts.

I couldn't pretend to be this perfect person any longer, my performance was slipping, I was slipping. I was a silly broken girl, and I hated myself. I truly hated myself, I hated what I'd become. I hated the razor blade in my hand, and I hated that I had to use it to make myself feel. I hated the numbness that engulfed my mind and my soul.

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**A/N: Happy days! Hope you enjoyed! **


	4. Pass the Jam

**Pass The Jam**

James Potter POV

"Oh for the love Merlin!" My bag had split open, quills, parchment and books covered in ink. I sighed heavily. I was right outside the common room, it'd almost made it. I briefly considered leaving my things on the floor and dodging inside, but I decided against it. I had four feet of my finished Charms essay in that mess, and I wasn't about to write it again. It had taken four hours in the library that weekend, and I wasn't about to abandon it on the cold stone floor.

I crouched down to gather everything I stiffened as I heard footsteps coming my way. Oh where was my invisibility cloak when I needed it? Oh that's right, Al just had to have it for some reason or another. Bloody git, I'd have to kill him later. I braced myself for the attack I knew was coming, still crouched and eyes closed as I heard the sound I had been dreading.

"JAMES. JAMIEPOO! GIRLS, WE CAUGHT HIM!" At least ten girls had surrounded me. Shit, I vaguely considered banging my head against the floor. I stood slowly, instantly regretting my decision. It wouldn't be long until they had backed me up against the wall. A_gain. _

I looked at the hopeful faces of the girls in front of me and inwardly grimaced. A pretty 6th year Hufflepuff seemed to be their leader. Martha, or maybe Millie. Something with an M. She gave me a dazzling smile, and I backed up at least two steps. Pretty soon I'd be closer than I ever wanted to be to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Well I was, I mean we were, wondering if you might want to go to Hogsmead with me, I mean, one of us?' Martha/Millie twirled her hair around her finger. She finished speaking 10 seconds after she'd started. I don't think she had paused to take a breath the entire time.

The group of girls still wore relentless hopeful expressions, and I attempted to smile. It had been two weeks, two bloody weeks since I had broken up with Viv. My fan club, (or as Fred liked to call them "bloody demented followers.") had wasted no time in trying to ask me out. Fred and Hugo had taken to walking me to classes and dinner, but I told them I could handle myself for one night. Apparently I had been mistaken.

"Sorry girls," their pretty faces, bright and smiling, turned into frowns, and their eyes narrowed menacingly. I didn't want to let them down, and before Viv, I would have welcomed their attention, but now I only wanted to get away from the demented girls, without hurting their feelings and without making them angry. "No, really. I am. But I'm-"

"He's not going to Hogsmead with any of you lot, and definitely not you Macie." Ah, so that was her name, I very nearly laughed. "Now get back to your own common rooms before I take away any points for loitering and harassment." Rose Weasley stood firm, legs spread apart, hands on her hips, in a classic _"Don't you dare ignore me." _pose.

I looked past the girls, smiling at my saviour. "Have I ever told you how much I love you, and that you're my favourite?" I asked after the girls had left, the Hufflepuff leader, Macie giving Rose an icy stare.

"Yes, and I still don't believe you." Rose smiled as she bent down to help me gather my things, which thankfully the pack of wild girls hadn't trampled on. "You know not to go anywhere alone James, not now anyway." I rolled my eyes as we stood up, even if I had been proven wrong, I still didn't want to admit it. I turned to the Fat Lady who looked me up and down.

"Badderlash."

"In you go dearie."

"Red, I don't need a babysitter." She rolled her eyes after we entered the portrait hole, before drifting away.

"Obviously, you do."

"Oi! Fred, get up!" I yelled at my still snoring cousin. Breakfast was waiting, I was hungry, toast and jam sounded wonderful, and I wasn't walking alone. Fred groaned, he wasn't the nicest person in the mornings.

"Go fall in a pile of dragon dung." I blinked, and held back a laugh. "Or better yet, how about a push you in one, you prat!" I ignored his threats, he'd be his normal chipper self in about five minutes, all threats forgotten. Yesterday he had threatened to jinx my broom, and I hadn't even been the one to wake him up then.

He threw his pillow at me as he got dressed, and muttered the entire time we walked down the stairs to the common room. I did a quick scan for Lena. She wasn't there, I was beginning to believe I'd imagined her. It'd had been two week since I ran her down, and I hadn't seen her once since then. Hogwarts was huge, yes, but how many tiny blonde girls were there?! She was even in my House for crying out loud. Fred sighed beside me, he knew what I was doing, I had asked him about her, but he obviously thought me bonkers too. He swore he didn't know who the bloody hell I was taking about.

I made Fred do a quick look out before I left the safety of the common room. As much as I told Rose I didn't need a babysitter, I did. I doubted anyone would be outside waiting, not after what my brilliant cousin accomplished last night. All was clear, we made it down to the Great Hall with no hiccups.

I smiled in relief, If I made it down to breakfast unscathed, I would make it through the day.

I sat down across from Rose, doing a quick scan of the Gryffindor table, and then it hit me. I had no bloody idea why I hadn't thought of it before, If I hadn't gone off my nutter and imagined the blonde beauty, Rose would be dorm mates with the girl!

"Hey, Rose, pass the jam please. Oh hey, are you dorm mates with a girl named Lena?"

Rose sat the jam back down on the table, her face blank. The seconds ticked by, Lily and Hugo turned to look at the silence that had fallen over our end of the table. Fred, oblivious as always was still eating.

Albus, my darling brother whom I still had to kill, chose that moment to grace us all with his presence.

"So you wouldn't believe what this 3rd year asked me today..." He trailed off looking from me to Rose, who still sat in a stony silence, and back again. All the while pouring himself a goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

He finally turned to Rose. "So what's Jamie done this time, Red?" He laughed as he loaded his plate down with food. Rose finally broke her gaze with me as she turned to answer Al, she gave him a small smile.

"Oh nothing Al, nothing at all. Except James wanted to know if I shared a dorm with a girl named Lena..." She trailed off, placing jam, my jam, the jam I wanted, on her toast. Damn her.

Now Al was giving me the look, Red had given me. Bloody fantastic, they thought I'd gone around the bend, before I could open my mouth and defend my sanity, Al opened his mouth.

"Did he mean Callena? Your Lena? Scorps Lena?"

My heart rose, I wouldn't have to defend my sanity, she was obviously real! And then it fell as I registered what was said. _Scorps Lena huh? _Bloody Malfoy. That was MY Lena. I should have listened to Uncle Ron. I had never liked him much either. I controlled my voice, trying to sound indifferent.

"Wait, okay, she's real, but Scorps Lena?" Rose rolled her eyes at me, if she kept doing that they'd roll right out of her damned head.

"Yes, ignore that he said she's my Lena too. My _best friend _Lena, is like his sister. They've been best friends for ages, even longer than we have." She spoke in a haughty tone as if I should have known this to began with. Well, even I could admit I should have known her friend, but not about Malfoy, I do had doubt I would ever like him again, even if they only had a platonic relationship. My heart fluttered, actually fluttered. when I heard _"sister." _

"Wait, so she IS real? Damn, I'd started to think he'd imagined her and we could finally send him off!" Ah, Fred finally noticed we weren't eating, not that it stopped him. Damn him and his jam covered toast.

Rose looked exasperated. "No she isn't imaginary! How do you not know someone in your own house?! We only have ten to fifteen per year, so 70 to 100 students per house. Eliminate your family, which is half of Gryffindor, and you honestly don't have that many people to remember!" She was now giving Fred the look she'd given me moments ago. Thank Merlin I wasn't alone then, I still needed to defend myself though, she could go on for ages.

"Sorry Rose, I've only met her once, and I haven't seen her since. Not even in the common room."

Rose nodded as if it were probable.

"She eats with Scorp, like Al eats with us, and she's never really in the common room." She took a bite of her toast, with her bloody jam.

Oh. That explains things, bloody Malfoy. I nodded and started eating again.

"Rose, please pass me the jam."

She ignored me, chewing and swallowing. "Why do you suddenly want to know anyway?"

I doubted I'd ever get the jam now.

"I ran into her the night I broke up with Viv. Knocked her down actually."

Rose shook her head. "What'd I'd tell you about being more observant?"

"Well, Red. It's not his fault. She's a lot closer to the ground than he is." Hugo laughed. I should have just asked him. Or another one of her dorm-mates. Ashlynn would have told me, and then I'd have my jam.

A Knowing look fell over Rose's face. "Wait. I know why you _really _wanted to know. You saw her, knocked her down, and thought she was absolutely gorgeous right? Forgot all about 'ol Vivian and Liam, didn't you?" Her tone was light but I could hear the ice underlying her words.

I didn't say anything instead choosing to load my mouth and ultimately my stomach with a forkful of now cold eggs. Fred doing much the same, still managed to answer for me with a vigorous nod. I hoped he choked.

I could practically see the steam shoot from her ears. I had half a mind to ask her if she'd taken a Pepper Up Potion, but quickly dismissed the idea. She wouldn't appreciate the joke anyway. One quick look at Fred (who was still living and breathing, much to my disdain) told me he'd had the same idea.

"Honestly James Sirius, you need to get over this "Romeo" complex you seem to have." This time I wasn't alone in my dumbfounded stare.

"That bloke in Ravenclaw? What's he have to do with this?" Fred asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"No you dolt, not Evan Romero. _Romeo _Montague." More silence.

"By William Shakespeare? Romeo and Juliet? Oh don't any of you read?!"

"Not anymore than necessary, Rosie." Al smirked.

"Well, it's a very famous muggle romance. Well, it's quite tragic actually, they both die-"

"Wait, if it's a muggle story, why would we know?" Hugo asked interrupting.

"Shut up HUGO!" Rose piratically screamed at her brother, who then muttered something that sounded strangely like 'yes, mum.'

"Anyway, like I was saying. Romeo was completely in love with Rosaline. Heartbroken over her, she hadn't returned his love. Well, until he saw Juliet. Then he forgot all about his heartache,and fell completely in love with her. In an instant. Just like you always do.

"No. Don't even bother denying it, you know it's true. You were so heartbroken over Mary-Lou Boot before Vivian. Remember her? You fell madly in love with Viv. Now you're going to try to do that same thing with Lena, but I'm not going to let you! I may have hated that slag Vivian, but I love Lena. "

I looked at her in disbelief, she was the one off her rocker. I didn't do that. I didn't think I did anyway. I was with Viv for two years anyway, wouldn't I have changed? No, I wasn't that much of a twat.

"I thought her name was Mary-Sue, not Mary-Lou." I looked down at my still jam free toast, suddenly angry.

Rose leaned over the table and patted my hand, not unkindly. "That's my point, James. I don't want Lena to be just another girl who's name you won't remember."

I sighed heavily. Unable to form coherent words. At last I opened my mouth and the words came tumbling out before I could stop them, before I could even think about what I was saying, before I knew I was lying.

"Honestly Rose, that's a bit much. Thank you, really, but you don't have to worry. I was asking after her to be polite. I could care less about the girl. Why would I?" I dropped my fork, letting it hit my plate with a distinctive clatter, I looked down, at my toast.

If I had looked up I might have see Rose staring just as intently at her own plate. I might have noticed that Hugo and Lily had gone back to their own conversation, and that for once, Fred wasn't eating. I might have looked up to see that Al, for the first time in all of his five years at Hogwarts, actually looked out of place at the Gryffindor table, with his silver and green tie. If I had looked up, I might have seen a shock of blonde hair disappear just as quickly as it had appeared. If I had looked up I might have remembered the words of warning Rose had offered two weeks ago. If I had looked up, I would have known that my words could cut deeper than any razor. But I didn't look up, I simply started at my toast.

"Will someone pass me the bloody jam?"


	5. Hope

Hope. It's a cruel emotion. You basically set yourself up to fall. Even after everything I still had hope. I had hope for myself, I had hope for my future. No matter how often I told myself this would happen, I still had hope. My heart felt shattered, this emotional pain hurt worse than any physical pain I could ever put myself through.

I did what I always do. I tested the limits. I took away the pain, at least for a while. I suppressed the ache in my heart and concreted on the pain in my wrist. Hope is misleading, hope is cruel, but hope was all I had.

"Miss Indges, can you answer my question please?" I stared out the window, unmoving. Barley acknowledging poor Professor Flitwick. Rose nudged me hard in the ribs. I winced before looking away from the window and shaking my head at the tiny man at the front of the class.

Scorpius shot me a look from his place beside Al. I blinked in response. I opened my book and stared down at the words. They didn't make any bloody sense. Suddenly the words were covered by a piece of folded parchment. I looked over at Rose who shook her head, slightly. I looked over to Scorp who gave one of his classic half smiles.

I opened the parchment slowly to see my best friends messy scrawl.

_Lena Beana, what's wrong little one?_

_Nothing, pay attention in class. _I quickly wrote back before passing back to him.

_Me? Pay attention, you're the one who'll fail her O.W.L's if you don't pay attention. You couldn't even answer a simple question on the switching spell. _

I fought the smile that touched my lips and folded the note without replying. He infuriated me more than I could ever say. Three more notes reached my desk before class ended. I didn't even bother myself with reading those. All I could think about was what he had said; He didn't care, I didn't matter. The words I'd overheard kept replaying like a broken record in my mind. As soon as Flitwick dismissed the class, I was out the door. Almost leaving my bag in the process,

I walked as quickly as I could. Scorp, Al, and Rose would undoubtedly be behind me, and I ran smack into the one person I never wanted to see again. My bag slid away from me, everything spilled out in the corridor. Once again I found myself knocked on the ground next to James. Freaking. Potter.

"I'm so sorry, wait, Lena?" He fumbled over his words, quickly reddening. His messy hair looked particularly messy today, and his eyes were bright. Why did he have to be so attractive?

"Well, that's my name." The words were out of my mouth before I could register that I they were rude.

"Well, I'm sorry. For knocking you down again." James stated as he pulled himself up. Grabbing my arm and pulling me up before I could protest. I winced as pain shot through my arm straight to my heart. My last cut had been particularly deep, deeper than I intended. I didn't notice the tears falling down my face until James stopped mid-sentence to acknowledge them.

"I've been looking for you,you know, wait, Lena, are you crying?" I pulled my arm from his grasp to touch my face, I felt wetness.

I nodded just as Scorp came into my line of vision. He noticed my tears straight away.

He ran to me and engulfed me in a heart warming, hug. "Lena, don't. Don't cry, I'm sorry. You're not going to fail your O.W.L's." I couldn't even tell him it wasn't his fault, but it was better if they both thought I was afraid of exams. James stood awkwardly to the side, not saying anything, but not going anywhere either. He pulled out his wand, waved it, and all of my possessions were back in my bag once again.

I pulled away from my best friend. The pain finally having lessened, physically at least.

"I'm fine Scorp, really. " I wiped my eyes. "See, no more tears." I smiled as James handed me my bag.

"Thank you." I turned and walked down the corridor leaving Al to find both boys staring at each other curiously.

"You will fail your O.W.L's if you don't start paying attention in class, Callena!" Fantastic, Rose was pulling the name card out. Well, I could do that too.

"I am well aware. Scorp informed me today in Charms thank you very much, Rosemary." Rose flushed, attempting to blink away her anger. She slowly exhaled before answering me.

"Two things. First off, I understand he's already told you, but Lena, I'm serious. First today in Charms, and then you show up late DADA. Did you even remember your wand today?"

I restrained myself from rolling my eyes at her. "And the second?"

If steam could have come from her ears, I'm sure it would have.

"My name is Rose. Now answer the question."

"What question?"

"CALLENA!"

The entire common room turned to look at us. We were sitting at a table near the fireplace. I could feel the heat on my skin. I never really sat in the common room, but I needed to study according to Rose, and the library had been full of eager Ravenclaw Fifth and Seventh years.

Rose smiled and muttered a quiet apology for her outburst. I looked back down at my defence essay. I needed six more feet, and I still wasn't sure what exactly I was writing about. Something about vampires. Possibly. I rubbed my eyes and looked towards the fire to see someone still staring over at us. His head went subconsciously to his hair. He smiled, I looked down, and quickly back. He was still staring, a slight frown on his face.

"Lena." Rose hissed. I ignored her, my blue eyes meeting his hazel. "Lena." Merlin, I'd be an idiot to assume she'd give up.

"Yes, Posie?" I asked still staring intently at James, he hadn't looked away yet.

"Stop staring at my cousin, and answer the question I asked you."

I broke the gaze once more, and turned to see a red faced Rose.

"Sorry. And yes, I carried my wand today." I thought of the piece of elm 9 and a quarter inches, sitting on my bedside cabinet. Thank Godric we'd had no piratical lessons today.

I finished my essay for DADA, after Rose took it away from me and wrote it herself I mean. I started my potions work, before calling it a night. I looked over one more time at James, almost as if he felt my eyes on him, he looked over at me. This time he blushed and looked away, back into the flames.

The moonlight hit the scarred flesh on my arms. Even if he looked at me, he'd never want me. He said so himself. He wasn't interested. What would happen if he was interested though? He'd see my body, my arms, and become instantly repulsed. I doubt I'd ever be good enough for anyone.

I hadn't been good enough for my mother, she hadn't stayed. I certainly hadn't been good enough for father. I couldn't even tell my best friends. I was damaged. Broken. It didn't matter that he smiled at me like that.

I traced the raised skin on my arm lightly. Hope was the cruellest emotion. I sat myself up to fall, every single time. I still had hope. Hope is misleading, hope is cruel, but hope was all I had.


End file.
